I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
