So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
