don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
