I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
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After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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