I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
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