In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
