i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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