I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I am spending my child support on dildos
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
