just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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