I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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