Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
