My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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