just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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