dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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