nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
