She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
