Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
