Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
