May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
