im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
