My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
