Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she told me i tasted like america
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
