so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
