Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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