look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
