I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
