before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
