Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
