I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
