Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
