i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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