Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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