she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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