I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
