I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
