shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
