I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
