Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
