when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
