my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
