she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
