I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
