Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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