i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
