OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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