you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
nutella sex= disaster
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
