whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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