It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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