So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
