Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
