i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
