We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
