atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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