I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
