he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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